Are You Compatible?

I have to admit; I hate the ads.

You know the ones.

"I can get a date myself," the girl exclaims.

"How's that working for you?"

She remembers her bad dates, and decides she needs to sign up.

They have questions you fill out and it tells you who you are compatible with.  I guess that makes sense, but I think they are missing the bigger picture.  And I think the vast majority of people have fallen right in line behind them, and accepted what they say.

If I were to think of my wife and I, I'm not sure we would be all that compatible if we were to take a test.  I love shooting, four-wheeling, watching football and UFC.  She wants shopping, wine and HGTV.  I would love to own a motorcycle to cruise around on.  She thinks that's the worse idea ever.  My idea of the best vacation spots are the Western desert states.  I love Arizona and Utah.  Her first choice would be a week sitting on a beach somewhere.

But what I've learned about compatibility doesn't match E-Harmony's philosophy, and maybe not even common sense.  My wife and I are compatible because we choose to be.  She still doesn't want me to get a motorcycle, and I still can't picture her enjoying shooting.  But we find things we enjoy doing together.  Yes, there are times I watch football downstairs, while she and her mother watch HGTV upstairs.  Or I may go to the range while they go get their nails done.  But the majority of the time, we watch shows together that we both enjoy.  She loves shopping.  Like most men, I don't shop; I hunt.  I know what I'm looking for, and I go get it.  Done.  (Unless it's a Cabela's or Bass Pro).  But I spend some afternoons at the mall with her, shopping.  I make fun of some of the clothes I see, or act silly about things.  And I do it because I'm having fun.  I'm with my beautiful wife, walking around a mall.  And she enjoys it.  So I have learned to enjoy it also.

I'm not a big Steely Dan fan.  But she got tickets to a concert, and I had a great time.  The music was pretty good.  The fact that we were in a suite made it much more fun.  But the best part was just spending time with her, doing something she really wanted to do.  I'm not a bed and breakfast kind of guy.  I'm much more comfortable in a Holiday Inn than a Betty-Bird's Bungalow.  But I have surprised her with a couple of weekend trips out of town.  Once was to a bed and breakfast in Jefferson, TX.  (Also a place I likely would not have chosen to go).  But I had a wonderful weekend.  We also stayed at Biscuit Hill B&B.  Again, not what I would choose, but I had a great time with her. She has surprised me with tickets to a concert for Andrea Bocelli, whom I absolutely love.  Years ago, she suggested we go to Putt Putt and go kart riding.  Absolutely not her style, but it was fun.  I assume she enjoyed it.  I know I did.

"Well, why should I spend time doing things I would not normally choose to do, if I can answer questions, and find someone who already loves doing what I love doing?"

When I was fifteen, I worked in a steakhouse.  Every night for break, several of the workers would sit together and have dinner.  Most of us would have baked potatoes (because they were free).  I had mine with butter and bacon bits.  Everyone else topped theirs with butter and sour cream.  I hated sour cream.  At least I thought I did.  But they made it look so good.  After trying it, I realized I loved my potato with more than just butter.

Sure, I could have chosen to not eat with people who put sour cream on their potatoes.  But I might not have ever realized how much better my potato could be.

So now I've compared my wife to sour cream.  Guess I'll be sleeping in the guest room tonight.

Why are there so many restaurants?  Because there are so many different tastes.  If you went to a restaurant where they only served cedar plank salmon with asparagus, how often would you go there?  If that was your favorite meal, it would be fine; for awhile at least.  But how long would they stay in business?

I have my list of favorite restaurants.  Some of them are also on my wife's list.  But some aren't.  So we may go to my choice one time, and hers another.

And it's not really even about compromise.

To me, compromise is about settling for something that neither of you really wanted, just so you can both accept the decision.  I want a nice steak for dinner, and she wants just vegetables or a salad.  A compromise would be eating at a restaurant that has okay steak and decent vegetables, so we can both sort of get what we want.

Compatibility may be about branching out to find a new restaurant neither of us might have ever tried.  And we might not like one or two that we try.  But the point is to choose to enjoy the search together.  Eventually, we can find somewhere that has great steak, and great vegetables.  We both enjoy the meal, and neither had to settle.

It's all about the journey.

We like to laugh about our "adventures".  It seems any time we do something, all kinds of things go wrong.  But we have learned to laugh about it.  Maybe not right in the moment, but later, it is a reminder that we can have fun, even when things aren't going as planned.

We went to Seattle in July to visit my son.  One afternoon, while he was still at work, we spent the day in the city.  We tried a do nut shop we had seen on a show we like to watch.  (One I would not originally have considered watching, but learned I loved it after watching it a few times).  After the do nut shop, we rode the monorail to the Space Needle.  Then we rode the monorail back.  It was a simple matter to find the garage we had parked in.

We must have walked six miles, trying to find the parking garage.  I was frustrated, because I have always had a great sense of direction.  But we spent a good two hours, trying to find the car.  My wife was patient, and didn't gripe at all.  That was a great thing because I was griping enough at myself to cover both of us.  We finally found the garage, and the car.  And it became something we laughed about (later).

Before our first date, if you had told my wife that I would drag her up and down the streets of Seattle for two or three hours trying to find the car, she may have decided I wasn't for her.  If you told me before our first date that she was a beach-lover who loved shopping and watching HGTV, I might have wondered how compatible we might be.  Like any relationship, we learn and grow together.  We could have allowed the differences to push us apart, and decide we just weren't compatible.  The vast majority of people would understand.

Some areas in our lives were compatible.  Some were not.  But instead of focusing on the areas that were not, we focused on those that were at first.  And along the way, we have created compatibility.

"Life's too short to be unhappy."

I agree completely.

So I choose to be happy.  And I choose to do it with my wife.  Does she occasionally irritate me?  Sure.  Do I ever aggravate her?  I absolutely drive her up the wall.

But here we are, nineteen plus years into the marriage.  And we are far more compatible than we were even a couple of years ago.

It doesn't just happen.

Compatibility = work.

We have the misconception that love should be easy.  If it is hard, it wasn't meant to be.  And we use the "we just aren't compatible" as a shortcut to get out of a situation that may be a little uncomfortable, or isn't "fun" at the moment.

"We have irreconcilable differences."

Really?  You can't reconcile?  Or you refuse to because it isn't fun anymore?  Someone else might be more compatible.

The next time you are having a tough day at work, just quit.

You need to lose a few pounds?  Well, diet and....wait that isn't fun.  Just keep eating donuts and pizza, and enjoy life.

In either scenario, you end up miserable anyway.  Quit your job, and you can't pay your bills, and you lose your home.  Eat whatever you want, and ankles, knees, hips and back hurt, and you are at risk of a heart attack.

That doesn't sound fun at all to me.

Life is a journey.  We want to enjoy the view from the top of the mountain.  But on the way, it will be hard work.  If we persevere, we will be rewarded.

I get to learn about my wife on this journey.  Who she is, and what she likes, and doesn't.

We have chosen to create compatibility.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Becoming an Ephesians Kind of Husband

Ephesians 5:

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

For the past year, I have been dealing with this issue.  We all know how we poke fun at this.  Men quote Ephesians 5:22: Wives, submit to your husbands, as unto the Lord.  And for many years, I was bothered that it didn't seem many women submitted to their husbands.  In fact, the last twenty years has seen men too often portrayed as bumbling fools.  How many commercials show a man trying to do something, and the wife comes to his rescue?  When did we decide that men had to be rescued because we were incapable of knowing how to do the simplest things?

But I digress...

I'm not a tough, macho kind of man.  I love playing sports, shooting, wrestling with my dog, and until recently, participated in a Krav Maga class.  (If you are unfamiliar, you can Google it).  So I'm not a wimp, certainly.  But I speak softly, and very seldom find anything worth arguing over.  I act like an idiot most of the time to make people laugh.  So if you were to walk into a room, and look for a man who would make a strong leader, you would likely look past me to someone taller, stronger and tougher looking.

Why would my wife submit to me?  If I were taller, stronger, louder, more assertive...more of a leader......

Blah, blah, blah.

I spent so many years wishing I could be someone else.  "If I looked like he does, my wife would love me more; respect me more," etc.

I began studying the Bible again for my own purposes.  From time to time, I would just bounce around and focus on certain areas.  Other times, I would find it hard to decide what I wanted to study.  It was during on of those time, I decided to just open the Bible and let it fall open.  It went to Ephesians 5.

"Well, that's dumb," I thought.  "I've studied that."

I wanted something different.  But something told me to really study it.  So I started reading through it quickly, knowing I knew the text.  I had taught it at least a couple of times in different ways.  And I taught it the way I feel it needed to be taught.

When discussing the Garden of Eden, we men tend to joke about Eve being the reason life is so hard.  But I think we all understand that she was tempted first.  Adam certainly would have also fallen if Satan had gone to him first.  And Adam willingly strayed.  Adam was held accountable.

So in teaching Ephesians 5, I had taught about how we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her.  I know if it ever comes down to it, I will absolutely step in front of my wife to take a bullet to save her.  But what God began to reveal to me was much harder than that.

Harder than taking a bullet?  What could possibly be harder than that?

Living it.

As I taught this years ago, I tried to focus on being the type of man my wife would want to submit to.  I began truly praying for holiness.  I truly started seeking God to lead me in even the smallest things.  And I began to feel differently.  But something was still not right.  My relationship with my wife.

We don't fight.  We don't argue even, really.  There have been a couple of times, but overall, it feels like a pretty peaceful place.  But I kept going back to Ephesians 5.  For months, I kept wondering what God was trying to tell me.  I thought I was doing this right.  But He began to open my eyes to a deeper meaning in the words.

"...love your wife, as Christ loved the church...."

Yes, I understood.  Christ gave His life for the church.  I'm willing to do that.

"...love your wife, as Christ loves you...."

Okay.  Christ gave His life for me.  I'm willing...

"...love Dawn, as I have loved you..."

I've taken a couple of IQ tests (and not the silly ten question ones).  My scores were between 137 and 143.  So I don't consider myself ignorant.  But it still took awhile.  I began to really think about how Christ loves me.  I had to stop there.  I couldn't even consider loving my wife until I truly understood how He loved me.

That was eye opening in itself.  Yes, I know all of the Sunday School answers about God's love for me.  But I've never really understood it.  I tend to bash myself with "if you were better", or "God loves you, but"...  I found myself at the end of the day, realizing I had failed again, in one way or another.  Someone I was supposed to talk to, or something I wasn't supposed to do.  Irritation and bitterness over the situation at work.  Realizing that I hadn't been a "good Christian" that day left me wondering why God would choose to love me at all.

Yet, I know that Jesus Himself prays for me.

John 17:20 “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word..."

Jesus was praying for His disciples, and also for those (us) who believe in Him through their (the disciples') word.

In spite of how I fail, Christ prays for me.  He stands before God to intercede when Satan accuses me.  The difference between me and Job is when Satan accuses me, he's absolutely right.

"God, look how Laron......"

Guilty as charged.

And Jesus answers that He has already paid for that.

I don't understand it, but I'll accept it.  It must hurt Christ horribly when I blatantly disregard His word.  When I go against His will.  When I ignore Him.  When I choose to follow my own path instead of His wiser, more loving way.  He died a death I can't fathom, to offer me a life with Him. Because He loves me.  And no matter how many times I fail, He is always there; loving me; praying for me.

Wow.

Revelation received.

This may come as a shock, but I married an imperfect woman.  Which is okay, because I'm far from a perfect man.

"...love Dawn as I love you..."

My biggest failure as a husband?  Being married for 16 years before realizing this.

When my wife does something that hurts me, I am not to try to punish her, or feel negatively toward her.  I am to love her.  I am to help her.  I am to pray for her.

Really?  It's okay when she accidentally forgets some little thing.  But I have to pray for her when she willingly does something she knows will hurt me?

"...love Dawn as I love you..."

I don't want to ever lose the love of Christ.  The Bible tells me it is impossible.  But I know I can choose to live outside His will for me.  And I don't ever want to lose the knowledge that He is praying for me, even when I have failed.

So I must be willing to love my wife the same way.

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in a way I cannot comprehend.  Thank you for being willing to leave your home in Heaven to live in a fallen world.  For teaching us your way.  And most of all, for your grace and patience with one of your most stubborn pupils.  Thank you for praying for me even when I go astray.  Teach me every day to love my wife as you love me.

Getting Older

Sitting around on Saturday night, we began to celebrate our birthdays. Mine was February 28th, my son, Chase, is March 19th, and my brother, Stuart, is March 20th. Dad was up from Sanderson to help celebrate, and we began to open gifts.

First was my brother's from dad. As he opened it, his smile slowly subsided to the awkward, "I want to look happy, but I'm not quite sure what this is" phase.

"Oh," he said. "This looks...was this on my list? I mean, it looks good...was it on my list?"

I walked over to where he was sitting, and saw it was a book on tape.

Dad made a comment about maybe he saw the wrong list. Stuart is in to a lot of different things, but I don't remember him ever asking for a book on tape. That's my thing. I like listening to books on tape while I'm driving back and forth to and from work. So I looked at the title, and it looked like something I might have put on my list, but I wasn't sure.

So when it was my turn, dad said it was the wrong card. The tape from my envelope had the same color green as my wrapping paper, (which was different from Stuart's). So I told dad it had been on that (my) present. He insisted it was on the wrong package, so I started to hand Stuart my present, knowing it was likely his anyway. Then dad showed me the tape, which was the same color as the paper, therefore proving it belonged on my present, which is what I had tried to convince him of just seconds earlier. So I opened my present, and saw it was a video game that Stuart had put on his list. We swapped presents, and got a light laugh.

Stuart made a comment that the book on tape (mine) looked good, so maybe he would borrow it on his long drive down to Terlingua next time he went.

Dawn suggested that since I already had one from Christmas, he could borrow it. I thought she meant my new one, and told her I was already done with the one from Christmas.

"I know," she said with a strange look on her face. "That's why I said he could borrow it."

We all started laughing out loud at how suddenly we had all turned into people incapable of rational thought, and much less capable of being able to communicate with each other.

Poor Chase. There he sat on the couch, watching the three of us Street men, likely realizing that this was what he has to look forward to. He and I have talked often enough (in a joking manner) about when it comes my time to be put in a home. Unfortunately, I'm afraid after this weekend, the next time might not be quite as lighthearted.

Later that night, because we needed to challenge our mental abilities further, we decided to play Chicken Foot. It is a domino game that I had heard of before. It's not that complicated, once you learn how to actually play correctly. Then again, that evening, I'm guessing Tic Tac Toe would have taxed our abilities.

In my defense, I had already lost all of my chips playing poker before pouring my heart and soul out over a grill to make sure everyone got to enjoy a wonderful meal of chicken and turkey dogs.

I didn't say it was a GOOD excuse.

I have learned, through experiences like this, to quit taking myself so seriously. (No one else does.)

Life is short. And too much time is spent watching the news, and realizing what a horrible world we live in sometimes. I'm convinced that every once in a while, we need to surround ourselves with others who will help us laugh.

In high school, my best friend was a guy named Dewayne. To all of us, he was Bubba. We were inseparable. And we laughed our way through just about every evening, and every weekend. For years, that got lost in me. I spent way too much time trying to prove to everyone that I was someone to be taken seriously.

I've learned better.

Thank you to my family, for being such a joy in my life.

And I'm sorry, Chase. I'm afraid this is what you have to look forward to. At least, I pray you will be blessed with family the way I have.

The Wedding

So July 20th, 2012, my daughter and her fiancé were wed at Ashton Gardens in Corinth, TX.

It was a beautiful ceremony, and the ceremony and reception seemed to go without a hitch. Getting there, however, was not quite as smooth.

There were the usual preparations, such as getting favors put together. My wife and I put together 150 small favors for guests. My wife ordered koozies with Brad and Sasha's names and the date on them, and 900 little stickers that she put on the bottom of 900 Hershey's Kisses. Five or six of those went into little bride and groom boxes that slid down into the koozies. These were put around the table for guests at the reception. It was quite a bit of work for her, but they turned out very well.

Dawn bought a dress for the wedding, and one for the rehearsal, and I bought a suit for the wedding. Two pairs of shoes for each of us, and we were ready to go.

Dawn's parents flew in on Wednesday, and the time officially began to fly. The rehearsal was Thursday at the chapel in Corinth, with dinner afterward in Carrollton. With the exception of a couple of people having trouble finding the restaurant, everything went well for the rehearsal and dinner.

Friday was a blur. We had planned to leave North Richland Hills at around two in order to get to Corinth by 3:30 or 4:00. The fact that EVERY highway in the Dallas/Fort Worth area is currently under construction doesn't help trying to get anywhere without some issues.

But we made it up there, and checked into the Best Western so we could begin to get ready. The wedding wasn't until 9:30. I know...that was my initial reaction as well. Dawn went to Sasha's room to get her makeup done. Pleased I didn't have to worry about such things, I got to just relax in the room for a little while.

Dawn came back down, and we sat around for a few minutes before she decided she wanted to go down to the lounge. I decided to get dressed and would join them after a few minutes. We would have an hour or so before we needed to leave, so I began to get dressed. Dress shirt? Check. Slacks? Check. Suit jacket? Check. Shoes? Shoes?

WHERE ARE MY SHOES?!?!?

I pride myself on being pretty thorough. I normally walk through the house (or hotel) wherever I am to make sure I have everything, and that nothing is being left behind. I pack twice as much as I will need just in case. I remember taking the shoes out of the box, instead of putting the entire box in my overnight bag. I just knew they had to be there somewhere. After a quick search, I knew I was sunk.

How could this possibly have happened? I don't forget things. Dawn had been stressed because she was going to get her hair done, and her hairdresser was running late. Since we weren't having the wedding at our church (10 minutes away), but in Corinth, over an hour away, this presented a problem. So she decided to forgo the hair so she could get her makeup done. I was trying to help her deal with the stress she was under, and honestly didn't think I was stressed at all. I was obviously wrong.

And since we were over an hour from home, getting my shoes was out of the question. Thankfully, there was a mall right across the street. And Macy's was the store closest to the entrance I would be flying...I mean driving into. I bought my two pair of shoes at Macy's and really liked them. I would just buy another of the same ones, and it would be fine.

Except they didn't have the same shoe in brown. So I found one I didn't like as well, and it was almost twice as much. But with time running out, this was an emergency. I bought the shoes, and flew back to the hotel. Twenty minutes later, I was downstairs with everyone else. I got to relax for almost ten minutes before we needed to leave.

The rest of the evening flew by, with the reception going until 2:00 AM. Brad and Sasha were catching a 6:30 flight to their honeymoon, and we decided to leave at 3:30 to get them there in plenty of time. Back at the hotel a little after 5:00, we tried to wind down a little so we could catch a couple of hours of sleep before getting up to pack.

All in all, it was a wonderful wedding. And after all is said and done, I'm a father-in-law, and Dawn is a mother-in-law.

Putting together a slideshow presentation for the reception, I was putting together pictures of Sasha through her life. I met Dawn when Sasha was 10. I can't believe the time has flown the way it has. So to all of the fathers out there with young daughters, I say, "Hang on." Cherish every moment you have. Before you know it, your little girl will be getting married, and you'll be knee-deep in preparations, and the craziness of a wedding.

Just make sure you pack your shoes.