I have to admit; I hate the ads.
You know the ones.
"I can get a date myself," the girl exclaims.
"How's that working for you?"
She remembers her bad dates, and decides she needs to sign up.
They have questions you fill out and it tells you who you are compatible with. I guess that makes sense, but I think they are missing the bigger picture. And I think the vast majority of people have fallen right in line behind them, and accepted what they say.
If I were to think of my wife and I, I'm not sure we would be all that compatible if we were to take a test. I love shooting, four-wheeling, watching football and UFC. She wants shopping, wine and HGTV. I would love to own a motorcycle to cruise around on. She thinks that's the worse idea ever. My idea of the best vacation spots are the Western desert states. I love Arizona and Utah. Her first choice would be a week sitting on a beach somewhere.
But what I've learned about compatibility doesn't match E-Harmony's philosophy, and maybe not even common sense. My wife and I are compatible because we choose to be. She still doesn't want me to get a motorcycle, and I still can't picture her enjoying shooting. But we find things we enjoy doing together. Yes, there are times I watch football downstairs, while she and her mother watch HGTV upstairs. Or I may go to the range while they go get their nails done. But the majority of the time, we watch shows together that we both enjoy. She loves shopping. Like most men, I don't shop; I hunt. I know what I'm looking for, and I go get it. Done. (Unless it's a Cabela's or Bass Pro). But I spend some afternoons at the mall with her, shopping. I make fun of some of the clothes I see, or act silly about things. And I do it because I'm having fun. I'm with my beautiful wife, walking around a mall. And she enjoys it. So I have learned to enjoy it also.
I'm not a big Steely Dan fan. But she got tickets to a concert, and I had a great time. The music was pretty good. The fact that we were in a suite made it much more fun. But the best part was just spending time with her, doing something she really wanted to do. I'm not a bed and breakfast kind of guy. I'm much more comfortable in a Holiday Inn than a Betty-Bird's Bungalow. But I have surprised her with a couple of weekend trips out of town. Once was to a bed and breakfast in Jefferson, TX. (Also a place I likely would not have chosen to go). But I had a wonderful weekend. We also stayed at Biscuit Hill B&B. Again, not what I would choose, but I had a great time with her. She has surprised me with tickets to a concert for Andrea Bocelli, whom I absolutely love. Years ago, she suggested we go to Putt Putt and go kart riding. Absolutely not her style, but it was fun. I assume she enjoyed it. I know I did.
"Well, why should I spend time doing things I would not normally choose to do, if I can answer questions, and find someone who already loves doing what I love doing?"
When I was fifteen, I worked in a steakhouse. Every night for break, several of the workers would sit together and have dinner. Most of us would have baked potatoes (because they were free). I had mine with butter and bacon bits. Everyone else topped theirs with butter and sour cream. I hated sour cream. At least I thought I did. But they made it look so good. After trying it, I realized I loved my potato with more than just butter.
Sure, I could have chosen to not eat with people who put sour cream on their potatoes. But I might not have ever realized how much better my potato could be.
So now I've compared my wife to sour cream. Guess I'll be sleeping in the guest room tonight.
Why are there so many restaurants? Because there are so many different tastes. If you went to a restaurant where they only served cedar plank salmon with asparagus, how often would you go there? If that was your favorite meal, it would be fine; for awhile at least. But how long would they stay in business?
I have my list of favorite restaurants. Some of them are also on my wife's list. But some aren't. So we may go to my choice one time, and hers another.
And it's not really even about compromise.
To me, compromise is about settling for something that neither of you really wanted, just so you can both accept the decision. I want a nice steak for dinner, and she wants just vegetables or a salad. A compromise would be eating at a restaurant that has okay steak and decent vegetables, so we can both sort of get what we want.
Compatibility may be about branching out to find a new restaurant neither of us might have ever tried. And we might not like one or two that we try. But the point is to choose to enjoy the search together. Eventually, we can find somewhere that has great steak, and great vegetables. We both enjoy the meal, and neither had to settle.
It's all about the journey.
We like to laugh about our "adventures". It seems any time we do something, all kinds of things go wrong. But we have learned to laugh about it. Maybe not right in the moment, but later, it is a reminder that we can have fun, even when things aren't going as planned.
We went to Seattle in July to visit my son. One afternoon, while he was still at work, we spent the day in the city. We tried a do nut shop we had seen on a show we like to watch. (One I would not originally have considered watching, but learned I loved it after watching it a few times). After the do nut shop, we rode the monorail to the Space Needle. Then we rode the monorail back. It was a simple matter to find the garage we had parked in.
We must have walked six miles, trying to find the parking garage. I was frustrated, because I have always had a great sense of direction. But we spent a good two hours, trying to find the car. My wife was patient, and didn't gripe at all. That was a great thing because I was griping enough at myself to cover both of us. We finally found the garage, and the car. And it became something we laughed about (later).
Before our first date, if you had told my wife that I would drag her up and down the streets of Seattle for two or three hours trying to find the car, she may have decided I wasn't for her. If you told me before our first date that she was a beach-lover who loved shopping and watching HGTV, I might have wondered how compatible we might be. Like any relationship, we learn and grow together. We could have allowed the differences to push us apart, and decide we just weren't compatible. The vast majority of people would understand.
Some areas in our lives were compatible. Some were not. But instead of focusing on the areas that were not, we focused on those that were at first. And along the way, we have created compatibility.
"Life's too short to be unhappy."
I agree completely.
So I choose to be happy. And I choose to do it with my wife. Does she occasionally irritate me? Sure. Do I ever aggravate her? I absolutely drive her up the wall.
But here we are, nineteen plus years into the marriage. And we are far more compatible than we were even a couple of years ago.
It doesn't just happen.
Compatibility = work.
We have the misconception that love should be easy. If it is hard, it wasn't meant to be. And we use the "we just aren't compatible" as a shortcut to get out of a situation that may be a little uncomfortable, or isn't "fun" at the moment.
"We have irreconcilable differences."
Really? You can't reconcile? Or you refuse to because it isn't fun anymore? Someone else might be more compatible.
The next time you are having a tough day at work, just quit.
You need to lose a few pounds? Well, diet and....wait that isn't fun. Just keep eating donuts and pizza, and enjoy life.
In either scenario, you end up miserable anyway. Quit your job, and you can't pay your bills, and you lose your home. Eat whatever you want, and ankles, knees, hips and back hurt, and you are at risk of a heart attack.
That doesn't sound fun at all to me.
Life is a journey. We want to enjoy the view from the top of the mountain. But on the way, it will be hard work. If we persevere, we will be rewarded.
I get to learn about my wife on this journey. Who she is, and what she likes, and doesn't.
We have chosen to create compatibility.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
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